Just Me

You know what they say....Love conquers all. But you know it doesn't. I can handle that.


But....

I can believe this, I deserve nothing less than what I want, because, I am far from a bad person, no I'm not perfect,but deep down inside I've always known, I've always fought, keeping myself from settling, and sometimes I get distracted by this but at the end of the day, I'd rather wait forever and day for what I want than settle for what I don't want and be totally unhappy.


NEVER.

SETTLE.

EVER.

I miss the stupid things I used to do. I could of been wilder, but it seems like....I have no fun anymore. I have fun, but not that fun. If that makes sense.

Adulthood I think ruined that fun.

- I miss feeling something for someone. I miss doing stupid things because you feel for someone. ~

-- I miss staying out till 5 am laying in the grass all night drinking smirnuff until the sun starts to rise~

-- I miss camping.-

-- I miss working at a bird store and getting beat up my birdys...the birds I have have are little pussies.

-- While I always had bills to pay, it was nothing like this....I miss having more spending money.


-- I really do miss the specail dirty things we used to talk about.

-- I miss laughing almost every second of the day.

What's changed? People have changed....life has moved on...and now I have the life I have. It's a good life, but it always can be a mundane life sometimes....I want to do something crazy.

Why did you runaway when she screamed your name?
When the tears kept flowing down her face?
Please, please, please is all she could cry.
Baby, baby, we could still try.

You said no, no, no.
Theres no place for you in my life.
Why are you even alive?

Heaven was when she was with you.
You said no, it was when she was on her back.
"Baby wait, I thought you said we more than this.
That there would always be bliss." She could only cry.

"Can't I be your madonna?" with a gleam in her eye.
"No you're my whore." with nothing but a grin on his face.

And all she had was tears to cry.
For one little moment, she felt so alive.

It would appear the only good thing I've ever been able to do with them is sleep with them.

Fuck being friends.

Fuck being your girlfriend.

Let's just fuck, ya know?

Get It. Get it. Get It. Get IT!

If everyone leaves me, then, why can't I be the first one to leave? Why can't others be sad for once instead of me? Being proactive might also mean being selfish. Besides that, it's not like I havne't talked about my desire to leave for a while. Money has always been my obstacle. I need more of it.

I seemed to keep getting remeinding of past memories and it makes me sick.

The more and more I want to leave though the more and more I want to stay. I happen to like my job. I happen to like my friends.


And If I can love then why can't they love me? I failed in that task. So I mine as well just take the invitations I am given and go with it.

1. The number one that angers me the most is myself. I've been a complete and total idiot later on many personal issues.

2. Co-workers. There is a power struggle a foot, that I wish wasn't there. It wouldn't be there if people just did there job's and focused on themselves. I have to contain my urge so strangle many people through out the day.

3. Family- Let's face it, I've been betrayed and hurt by family members just as much as any friends that has ever come my way...and the worst betrayl of all has been completley unjustifed, as well as my uncle borrowing money from me so much.

If your feet hurt from walking too much,
then I will tend to them, with a velvet touch.
If your lungs just don't want to work today,
then I'll perform a mouth to mouth until you're okay.

Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips,
circling your lips.
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,
I can tell you do.
I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.

If your muscles are wound up and tight,
then I will loosen up the knots until it feels right.
If your ears just ache from listening,
then I'll supply the remedy in the melodies I sing.

Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips,
circling your lips.
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,
well I can tell you do.
I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.

Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips,
circling your lips.
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,
well I can tell you do.
I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.

Him: Do you still love me?

Me: Nope.

Opening Credits: Satellite- Kiss Kiss
Waking Up: ABC123- Jackson 5
Average Day: Alive- P.O.D
Falling In Love: Break Me SHake Me- Savage Garden
Love Scene- So Much- The Spill Canvas
Death of a Loved One: What It's Like- Everlast
Bad Love: Crazy In Love- Eminem
Sad Love: Better Than Me- Hinder
Break Up: Bound to Happen- The Spill Canvas
Reunion: Wher'd You Go?- Fort Minor
Fight Scene: With You (remix)- Linkin Park
After The Fight: It's Not Over- Daughtry
Adultry- Follow Me- Uncle Kracker
Guilt- 37 mm- AFI
Bad Day: Until The End- Breaking Benjamin
But Life's Ok: Must Be Dreaming- Frou Frou
Memories with friends: Swing Life Away- Rise Against
Deep in Thought: What I've Done- Linkin Park
Secret Love- Himeros and Eros- The Spill Canvas
Party: Beware of The Boys- Punjambi MC and Jay-Z
Dance Scene- Chop Me Up- Justin Timberlake
Crying Scene- Story of a Girl-
Breakdown- Angel-Blue October
Driving- One Headlight- The Wallflowers
Marriage- I Do- 98 Degrees
Flashback- Blurry- Puddle of Mudd
Regret- Old Emotions- Spoon
Long Night All Alone: On My Own- Three Days Grace
Death Scene: Black Dresses- The Spill Canvas
End Credits: When is Now?- Love Spit Love

Why is everything on my to-do list work related. Seriously? Get Tech Initails, Find out How To get access to the stuff on the site, because my manager doesn't know, and lots more, and then theres stuff for the library too. What happened to those days when I came from work not-well, worrying about work? UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I passed out twice this past week too, doctor says theres a virus in my ear or something. Oh how fucking lovely.

I have a really big headache.

I left my black shirt at home for work.

I need to go to the bank.

I'm so behind in my school work.

My room's a mess.

My bird cages need to be cleaned.

Once again............UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just wanna sleep man.

Said.....


Oooooooh.

Yesterday Was Christmas!! But I'm sure everyone knows that lol.

Oh the day before Christmas Eve, at my new job, a job I've only been working at for FOUR DAYS- they got me a Christmas Present, a $25 gift card to TGI Fridays,a purse, some lotion, and some candy. I was really shocked.

On Christmas Eve we went to my Aunt Sheila's house on my Grandma's side. I got a really cute sweater and a gift card to Bath and Body works and Bob Evan's.

Found out my 6 year old cousin has been skipping school. (oh my)

Even cuter though- He saw the Shrek Christmas special where Santa ate the Gingerbread Man's Sister, so the next day when he went to go see Santa he was like, "I"m sorry I kicked that girl Santa, but I saw you eat another girl so were kinda even. Can I still get presents?" HA HA HA HA How cute.



On Christmas I went to my Aunt's House with my Dad and Brother. My Dad gave me some money, I got a purse from my Aunt in North Carolina. Then my Aunt and Uncle who's house we were at got me A LOT OF STUFF some photo albums, money, but um, there was a disturbing gift in the mix.

Chocolate Flavored Body Butter???? So then my Dad was like, now she can call her boyfriend and get some whipped cream and cherries???? So yeah, that was disturbing. It came with chocolate body wash too. So I guess they really wanted me to smell like chocolate.

My Grandma got me a bracelet but I think my wrist is too fat for it.

I told My cousin and brother about my Mother trying to contact me. I was like I don't want to tell Dad because I just don't. I guess it was kinda pointless I would have to tell Dad. OH well I'm retarded.

Oh yeah my Grandma who I live with got me a DVD player. I was like, you got me a DVD player a year and a half ago for my birthday. So she was like yeah but Sandra's broke I figured you could give your old one to her. So I was like wouldn't it be easier to just bought it for Sandra? I hated that I sounded like a brat I didn't mean too I was just trying to figure out her train of thought lol.

I loved you all along.

I have forgotten the rules to life. I have forgotten what it was like. I have forgotten a lot of things. I have forgotten my own advice. But hey, who cares. Aren't rules meant to be broken? Isn't the past something to put behind? You can't change it. It would be amazing if for only one time it could happen.

I've also ignored something that I had, and now it's gone. It's dangerous to mess with it.


I also am unable to think and my mind has gone blank. That's even more dangerous.


Hmmm.

I have been having lot's of crazy dreams lately but last nights might have been the most beautiful, but the most saddening.

Because when I woke up, he wasn't there anymore, just my dog.

That's it, me and my dog and my birds against the world.


And then I was sad.



So I guess these things just tend to fall apart.



Anyways, so I'm obsessed with following songs at the moment.
It Takes Two- Hairspray because sometimes it really just does. And not just to make babies.

Driven Under- Seether- Because we really do have to succomb to the feelings that we can never face. And I need you. And I fake it.

To The Moon and Back- Savage Garden- Because mother never loved me much and daddy never keeps in touch I'm just waiting for the right kind of pilot to come.

Break Me Shake Me- Savage Garden- because You moved me in a way that I never know.

All The Same- Sick Puppies- because don't want to fix the txist in you.

Your Guardian Angel- Red Jumpsuit- because I will never let you fall.

Valiant- The Spill Canvas- because

The Whistle Song- Juelz Santana- because I can't whistle.

Insert more blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Before I Go In This World,

I Would Like:

* To Tell My Family EXACTLY What I think about them.
* Be the Proud Parent of a Rose Breasted Cockatoo

* Live in France for at least a year. (my heart has ALWAYS lied there.

* Get straight A's for at least one quarter.
*Finish all my edumaction and do something with it.
* (Like cure AIDS)
* Get a Tattoo and a body piercing not on my ear.
*Write something great and profound and maybe it will get published or something :)

*Go to Africa
*Visit every state.
*Swim in the Ocean (I've done it before I just want to do it more!)
*Look at the stars a lot more.

*Oh yeah I'd like to be a skinny bitch at some point too. It will make the rest of this that much better.

* I would like too:
- kiss in the rain.


-kiss on the beach


-kiss on an elevator
-Kiss in a parking lot
(So yeah I'm a girl :) )



*My your a slut after 3 promiscuous encounters stills applies, but I would like to use a couple of those.
*Randomly flash a bunch of people at the most random and socially awkward time.
* To just forget the rules and the world and to just fall in love.

( You Just might cry.. )